MMTR 50 2016, Racing myself and other thoughts

I finished.   This is something that shouldn't be taken lightly or overlooked.  Yet, I found myself taking that fact for granted in the few weeks leading up to the MMTR.  More about that in a minute, but first...

For the uninitiated, the MMTR stands for Mountain Masochist Trail Run, 50 miler.  The MMTR is directed by Clark Zealand and has been run for the past 34 years.  It is a tough, rugged run. 50+ miles with 9,000 feet of technical gain.  And Clark does a wonderful job organizing this event.  He does so after organizing the Grindstone 100 miler.  So in many ways, he is the one with the most endurance of us all. Thanks Clark and thanks to all the wonderful volunteers who were there to make sure that all 16 of the aid stations were run so well!

Now that a few days have went by and I have had time to process the events of Saturday, November 5th I feel like it is OK for me post on my blog about how I feel.   A few things that my friends and family who don't run want to know:

• How do you  feel now that it is over?   Physically, I feel tired but my legs aren't as sore as I thought they would be.  My left big toe is pretty banged up and I now know why sock changes are so crucial.  Emotionally I am dealing with the adrenaline dump of not having a race to look forward to pretty well.  It's a strange feeling to have a big race on your horizon for so long then to suddenly not have that in your life.  It's like graduating and a big break-up mixed into one strange feeling of relief and dread. 
• Will you do it again? Yes, I don't see this as my last 50 mile attempt.
• Was it fun?  Yes, if you let it be fun an endurance run is always fun.

The weather was nice and I had such great help from such great friends. Jordan Chang, Kristen Chang, Heather Fisher-Clarke and Josh Starner were there for me in many ways that made my run so much more bearable.  Leading up to the event and during the event these folks were steady, kind and supportive.  Brett Sherfy (who ran ONE HELL OF A RACE, congrats dude)...thank you for always having my back and being so amazing as a friend/human.  Michelle...I can't forget you either and thanks for the high fives and smiles. All the VT ultra "kids": 

Butch, Henry, Henry, Lief, Jonathan, and Hannah...I know we don't know each other all that well but you all made me feel like part of the crew.  Something I cherish, so thank you!! Ryan Nebel, so much fun hanging with you and the way you attack these races is inspiring. Robbie Poff...man I am so proud of you.  What a run you had!!!  Pawel, thanks for the all the training help and support.  Wish you could have been there.  Linda, Trish, Jill, Jim, Alex, Andy, Kurt, Amy and Kaitlyn you all helped me train and your support/words of encouragement meant a ton to me.  Stephen and the Runabout crew, thanks for "running" such a great place for all of us to congregate! Ginger...your attitude, advice and hugs kept me going even if you couldn't be there.  Trevor.  I can never repay what you did for me leading up to that day and on that day.  You're a great leader and friend.  Thank you!  I've been saying it and I'll keep saying it...I love you all.  If your name isn't on here please don't be offended.  Jet lag is real and the China fog is strong. 

I wanted to address those questions and thanks first because the rest of the post will get pretty deep into the feels. If that isn't your thing you can stop reading after this paragraph.  If you want to dig deep into the Sean psyche please read on.

MMTR took me places physically I have, in most ways, never been.   There were many ups and downs that day.  My legs would get tight then loosen up.  My energy level would also fluctuate. But most of the day I felt physically strong.   I attest that to my training.   My nutrition was also pretty good (thanks Kristen!) and I think that is ultimately what kept me from completely imploding at the end. Heading into the infamous "loop" I was feeling very good.   In fact I vividly remember playing air drums up the climb heading into the loop.  The loop itself, however, took my soul.  And by "took my soul" I mean grabbed my soul by subtly climbing down my throat, shredding my soul from the inside and the spraying it out of my mouth like confetti all over the course.  As I made my climb to the "punch" I felt my goal time literally slipping out of my swollen hands. 

MMTR took me places emotionally I have, in most ways, never been.  Unlike the ups and downs physically, I had more ups than downs during the race.  And that was by design.  Starting the race with Robbie was on purpose.  Mostly because I enjoy spending time with Robbie.  He is an awesome guy and our personalities match well.   He is also a strong runner and I wanted to hang with him for confidence.  Starting that way echoed positive thoughts through the day for me.  Along the way I saw so many smiling faces of friends.  Heather with her hugs and screaming my name when she saw me really lifted my spirits.   Jordan and Kristen with their big smiles, high fives and also screaming my name.  I can't explain what a mood lifter that is.  Both are so talented in their own rights and to be excited to see me... what a feeling.  Took the edge off physically too.   Seeing Starner and getting last bits of advice before a big climb really helped me push through.  As I left him he said "Trevor will see you at the top, keep pushing".  

My brain has jumbled the day.  Reflecting on the day, it seems like a faded dream.  There are only a few key moments I remember and even then the order is sometimes jumbled.  I wont go through all the "poignant" events because those are for me. But some key things happened that I want to share.   Arriving to the halfway point I found myself around a collection of some of my best friends.  Leading the charge of my care was Trevor and he did an amazing job.  I felt great at this point.  I was tired mentally and physically but I was most certainly choosing joy.  The team gathered around me, got me food and checked on me.  Then they sent me off.  And like that I headed onward.  Alone but with them in my mind.   

The second key event was after the loop.  As I mentioned before I headed into the loop feeling extremely strong.   For the first half of the loop I felt strong but I fell apart heading into the overlook. Why?  I've been thinking about that day and I think I know. Most of the race I was alone.  Some people passed me, I passed some people but for the most part it was just me.  In the loop it felt like the whole world passed me.  They were faster than me.  They were fresher than me and they were happier than me.  It bugged me.  Bugged me so much that I forgot everything that got me to where I was heading into the loop.   And I lost myself, probably my biggest mistake.  I lost why I was out there.  I told myself, others that I was racing only myself.  Even said it several times the night before. But having all those other folks pass me punched me in the gut and reminded me that deep down I still define my success by holding myself to others standards.   And that is the Sean I don't want to be anymore.

Running these events, training for these events have forced me to face things about myself that aren't sexy.  Or cool.  Raw emotions and nerves don't feel great.  But it is so true that you cannot grow if you don't challenge yourself.  Push yourself.  Finding your limits means crossing the line sometimes. MMTR had my line to cross and I had to find it and cross it.  After the loop Trevor and Heather were there.  With food, water and Tailwind.   Trevor knew what I needed to hear and told me exactly and calmly those things.  Stepping away from him I felt very unsure of what I was heading into.  For the first time in the day, I was not having fun.  I was suffering.  Emotionally and physically I felt broken. Feelings of failure and loss.  Self doubt.  Self deprecation even. 

Somewhere between then and the finish I found joy again. I can't remember exactly what mile or the location.  It was in the woods.  I remember it being a little chilly and the 1,000th person had just passed me.  I stopped to take a leak and looked at my watch so I could tell Trevor when he asked when I peed last. The wind was picking up and I looked around at what I was in the middle of.  A beautiful forest with trees changing colors.  The very beginning of renewal.  The trees have to shed their leaves if they are to survive the winter.  The beauty in that overwhelmed me and reminded me why I was in those woods.  I need to shed the weight of self doubt so I can survive my winter.  I can't grow if I'm broken.  Just like the trees.  So I smiled.  A big goofy smile.  And I ran.  Well... hobbled quickly.

The end of my run was poetic.  I was the last of our friends to come in, something I didn't want but my wonderful friends knew what I needed to make that fact enjoyable.  A human tunnel of bad-ass people.  I didn't just run through the finish line.  I didn't just finish an endurance event that very few start and even fewer finish.  I found myself after spending 50 miles trying to lose myself.  And I'm happy with that.