Mao Mao Speaks

It is a feeling I have had before.  Many times, actually.  Yet I can't quite put my finger on what it is or what is causing it.  The feeling is something close to desperation mixed with a morose cloud that is overwhelming but still somewhat subtle.  Constant and buzzing in the background.  It starts in the pit of my stomach.  Washes over me in waves that ebb and flow during the day.  My head is clear but thoughts are jumbled.  It is sad.  It is maddening. It is depression. Recently these feelings have been building. There have been things that I have let get under my skin that have caused me to really be down on myself.  I have withdrawn from friends and family.  This is something I am just now becoming conscious of.  It is my way of giving the ones I care about a break from having to deal with me when I am in a mood like this.  It is selfish and I honestly don't know why I keep doing it.  I apologize. The first time I remember being truly sad was when I was 6.  My grandfat

The thought of it was the stickiest thought I had ever had.  It stuck in my brain like a cheap, sugary and chewed gum ball would get stuck in your hair.  Unshakable.  Completely wrapped into my thoughts from the moment the idea was first mentioned during another Bad Idea Club group run. I remember the first time it was brought up as clear as I can see me running in the race.  We were at a stop light waiting to cross Main Street and then head down into the Ellett Valley.  Brett turned to Trevor and said, "Bryce Canyon in 2017...Let's do it".  As easy as that.  Effortless.  Just simple words. Now I can't remember if I was invited or if I invited myself.  Can't quite seem to recall if I knew it was a 100 mile race either.  But, non-the-less, the mere mention of it struck my ears, rocketed into my synapses and traveled all the way down to my gut where it stayed for at least a week.  Like a loaf of sourdough,  that thought stayed with me.  Dreams both waking and othe