This wasn't the post I planned on writing when I woke up yesterday. Other than my run that morning, all I could think about was the post that isn't being posted. I planned it out. Every detail, every word. It was going to be glorious. You were supposed to weep. Maybe laugh a little. But instead you're stuck with this. But, as in life, it's what happens while we're making other plans that weaves the complicated tapestry of our story. It's in the beautiful mess we learn the lessons that should make us stronger.
It was crisp on this morning. The weather was perfect and I felt great. No pre-run poop but I wasn't going to let that worry me. I mean Deb and I did eat at our favorite Mexican restaurant (El Gran Rodeo is where it is at) the night before so I was a little concerned. Packing my stuff the night before was clutch as I woke up little late. Here is the where the stack up of failures begin. It wasn't life altering things but the little nit picky things that I do, that I know I have proclivity to do, that were starting that nag of voice in the back of my head. The feeling I am not good enough. I'm going to suck today.
Quick break in the story to talk about the difference in failure and defeat. Or at least as I am coming to define them. Failure is not doing something well at which you set out to do well. Defeat is letting failure rule you. I need examples. It is how my mind works. Failure would be not being able to change the tire on your new Jeep, in your own driveway, for 3 FREAKING hours. Defeat is throwing the tire iron into your yard while throwing a mantrum. I mean throwing that tire iron like it just told an inappropriate joke in front of your Maw Maw whilst burping up cabbage. We all fail. In fact we need to do. Defeat is optional. Defeat is not learning from your failings. Defeat is letting the failures make you worse. Not better.
Back to yesterday morning.
I finally got out of my house at little after 5 and headed to Trevor and Ginger's place. Deb woke up to see me off. Apparently my ninja skills were off this morning as well. It was nice to see her before I left so that was good. Rookie looked happy to get a few last minute scruff ups from daddy too. Before I backed down my driveway I texted Stewie to let him know I was on my way. The slight slips in the morning were fading mainly because I was excited to see all my friends and go on what promised to be an epic adventure. Plus Josh had came up and I hadn't seen him in a minute. I was back in a decent mood. As I turned onto Trev's street I noticed I was a few minutes late. Figures... I thought.
Parking at the bottom of the driveway I saw movement in the window. A slight bit of anxiety crept up my throat as it sunk in that they knew I was late too. Quickly, quietly to myself I said I wasn't going to apologize. I didn't want the oncoming fog of self loathing to coat this glorious day. As usual both Josh and Trevor were enthusiastic to see me and didn't say a word about my tardiness. Crazier still I think I may have apologized. Nonetheless we piled into Trevor's sweet ride, picked up our boy Brett and had some awesome conversation on the way to the trail. Brett greeted me with his usual big smile and positive attitude. Josh, Trevor and Brett are my boys and it was a spirit lifter that they were so cool.
Inside I am dying though. For some reason I am starting to doubt myself on the way. Did I pack too much? Not enough? Hopefully I hadn't screwed up the timing that Trevor, Brett and Jordan had worked out. It wasn't lost on me that behind the scenes all week these two had worked with Kristen to figure out how they were going to get me back home by 3 at the latest. The planning of the CRA (Catawba Run Around) isn't easy. Being my first time I didn't want to be an anchor.
We made it to the parking area for Dragon's Tooth trail in time. Just ahead of Kristen. I put my after run pack in Kristen's car and climbed back into Trevor's car. After a few minutes Jordan rolled up and we moved on to where we started our adventure. A few minutes in the parking lot chatting and making introductions between me, Head Lamp Henry and Butch. They knew each other and the others, I was a new face to them. Good guys though. Looking forward to getting to know them better. The pre run poop decided to fire up but no worries, port-a-john at the trail head. Took care of business then we were off.
Oh the freedom of running. Being outside with my friends new and old. The chill in the air was just right. Conversation was quick and funny. The sun rise...amazing. Heading up the mountain I started to feel at ease a little. I hadn't ran all week because I have been fighting some tenderness in my left foot. Like I mentioned though, I had felt great since Thursday so I didn't have any reason to think I would have issues. In the beginning I didn't. No issues with my leg. But I couldn't catch my breath. It was like I was running up a mountain or something. And this really got into my head. I couldn't quit thinking the running gods had taken my fitness as payment for not worshiping this week on pavement. I was paying for the sin of sloth. No one else seemed to struggle. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN THIS AMAZING RUN FOR EVERYONE! I had to find something to quiet the demon in my mind. I looked left. The sun rise. I said aloud "this is beautiful" I calmed down and slowly settled into a pace that felt sustainable. Life was good.
The twinge of leg pain is subtle at first. At least for me. It kind of sneaks up on you and even as present as it is, it surprises you. I truly grieve when this happens. I go through all the same steps. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While I am a dramatic dude, this is serious. I do this. When it comes to my run I don't want injury or illness to enter into it. The purest form of peace I feel is during a run. It is one of the reasons I dream about runs. So injury and illness taints a perfect escape for me. Don't confuse injury with pain. Pain happens and is welcome. Injury is something different.
As the crew pulled away I was heading from denial to anger. I was mad at myself for being hurt. It started to dawn on me that this wasn't just sore muscles. Every step sucked. I faltered making basic moves to adjust my stride as I climbed up the mountain. It's hard to put into words the feeling I get in my gut when my body isn't working the way I have worked hard to let it. I felt robbed. This was supposed to be my debut in CRA. Even if it was only for part of it this was a big day for me. Worse yet the grinding fear of letting some of the best friends I have ever had down was starting to win.
Bargaining is next. I decided to start thinking about anything other than myself. This is tough for me usually and tougher still when in the grips of a class 5 pity party. Maybe it would help? It did, for a while. The bargain was I would focus on something, someone else until the pain went away. While my left foot and knee still ached, this helped me get over the pity part of the pity party. I thought about how amazing Trevor was doing with his Umstead training. How we are going to party in a trail running way. How proud I was of Josh for fighting through last month's CRA. Thankful for Jordan and Kristen's friendship. How they are always steady and honest. Brett and his talent. Talent that isn't married with any sort of arrogance. Brett is always quick to speak up with a compliment. That really goes for all my running friends. I thought about Ginger and how we ran 20 miles in some slickity slick looking for durrrr. Ginger and her spirit. Trevor and Ginger, such a blessing in my life. Deb. I thought about her at home. How she was kind in her sleepy haze this morning and gave me a hug before heading out. How she is strong, but forgets that about herself. All the blessings in my life too numerous for this post.
But guess what homies? It didn't work. I mean I did get past the pain but my leg and foot still hurt. About this time depression was setting in. Then Butch started a convo. He is a good dude. We talked about running Ultra's and it lifted my spirit. As we got nearer to the major ascent somehow I found myself with Jordan. Kristen was long gone (she fast, son) along with the rest of the crew. Jordan is super fast too. And talent for days. But he hung back with me. Why? To make sure I was OK. We talked about my leg/foot issues. Jordan offered me some ibuprofen and advice. I listened to his advice but didn't take the ibuprofen. Eventually Jordan and Butch pulled ahead. Depression decided to set in and gripped me pretty hard.
I started thinking about all the times I had failed. Small things like not getting Jim equally as great presents for his birthday as he had bought me. Big things like not calling on my siblings birthdays. Full on self depreciating hate. But the I kept moving. I just kept climbing. I had to get to the top because that is what I had set out to do. I had to get the top because I had to get back down. Plus Kristen was my ride. So I had to make it back to at least get home. I had to finish because I started this morning with hope. Hope had to win.
Getting to the top was a good feeling. I heard voices to my left and so I followed them. That is where I ran into Brett and his smile. He said "Good work man!" and gave me a high five. Then he told me I had to touch the top of the tooth. It was tradition. So we scrambled up to the top with Butch in tow. I couldn't believe how beautiful the valley looked from up there. The feeling of accomplishment washed over me. All of the doubt I had on the way up drained through my smile. Brett snapped a quick picture of me and we started our decent.
Trevor decided to stick with me on the decent. He had ran so strong all day, I felt kind of bad. But I was happy to have his council and company. This is were acceptance sunk in. My leg was busted. Pushing myself too hard was only going to do more damage. Trevor had told me to take it easy. Don't be so hard myself. Both tasks were harder than this run. I am going to do that though. Have to do that.
In the parking lot the rest of the crew was there. Refueling, talking. They also were in great moods. It was awesome to see their faces. To receive their congratulations. All were gracious and kind about my performance. Since I was late pulling into the pit stop we had to keep the reunion short. The other folks had 25 miles and 6,000 feet of gain to go. My day was over. Hugs, high fives and quick group picture and we were off. Kristen drove me to Trevor's and we talked about a lot. She is training for her third Ironman. Pretty amazing. She also offered advice on my leg.
I headed home and Deb greeted me at the door. Rookie brought me his stuffed snake. All of this made me smile big and wide. Limping in, I placed all my sweaty gear in the laundry room sink. Deb was making banana bread. The smell was all through the house. I loved it. While I showered I thought about the day and how I had failed. It was a day that was supposed to be epic. It turned into a mess inside my mind. Grabbed some ibuprofen, ate a quick brunch then sit on the couch. Laid really. Then I napped.
Waking up to a bunch of messages on my phone is always nice. People asking me about my run. Comments on my Strava file and some photos that had already made it to Facebook. In the haze of post nap fuzz head, I started to think about the morning. I decided that defeat would be focusing on all the bad parts of the day. All the failures. Actively I started summoning all the good parts of the day into my mind. The sunrise I would have missed had I stayed home. How the air felt crisp and refreshing. Smiles on friends faces. Conversation. Banana bread. Finishing the run. Support from my friends like Brett telling me "you are stronger than you think". Rookie scruffs and love. A huge realization sunk in. The day that didn't end up the way I had dreamed was actually a good day. I just had to see it.
Failure is necessary. It is how we grow. Never failing means you are never trying. Challenging yourself. Success usually comes after countless failures. Because we learn or at least we should from failing. While it doesn't feel good it is a sign of a life lived right. Defeat, however, is letting failure rule you. Letting failure define you. Not the lessons failure teach us, but the failure itself. Defeat is not trying again. Which stack up we focus on is the difference between victory and defeat. That morning I learned to focus on the stack up of overcoming failures to win a victory. I hope I don't fail at that again.
It was crisp on this morning. The weather was perfect and I felt great. No pre-run poop but I wasn't going to let that worry me. I mean Deb and I did eat at our favorite Mexican restaurant (El Gran Rodeo is where it is at) the night before so I was a little concerned. Packing my stuff the night before was clutch as I woke up little late. Here is the where the stack up of failures begin. It wasn't life altering things but the little nit picky things that I do, that I know I have proclivity to do, that were starting that nag of voice in the back of my head. The feeling I am not good enough. I'm going to suck today.
Quick break in the story to talk about the difference in failure and defeat. Or at least as I am coming to define them. Failure is not doing something well at which you set out to do well. Defeat is letting failure rule you. I need examples. It is how my mind works. Failure would be not being able to change the tire on your new Jeep, in your own driveway, for 3 FREAKING hours. Defeat is throwing the tire iron into your yard while throwing a mantrum. I mean throwing that tire iron like it just told an inappropriate joke in front of your Maw Maw whilst burping up cabbage. We all fail. In fact we need to do. Defeat is optional. Defeat is not learning from your failings. Defeat is letting the failures make you worse. Not better.
Back to yesterday morning.
I finally got out of my house at little after 5 and headed to Trevor and Ginger's place. Deb woke up to see me off. Apparently my ninja skills were off this morning as well. It was nice to see her before I left so that was good. Rookie looked happy to get a few last minute scruff ups from daddy too. Before I backed down my driveway I texted Stewie to let him know I was on my way. The slight slips in the morning were fading mainly because I was excited to see all my friends and go on what promised to be an epic adventure. Plus Josh had came up and I hadn't seen him in a minute. I was back in a decent mood. As I turned onto Trev's street I noticed I was a few minutes late. Figures... I thought.
Parking at the bottom of the driveway I saw movement in the window. A slight bit of anxiety crept up my throat as it sunk in that they knew I was late too. Quickly, quietly to myself I said I wasn't going to apologize. I didn't want the oncoming fog of self loathing to coat this glorious day. As usual both Josh and Trevor were enthusiastic to see me and didn't say a word about my tardiness. Crazier still I think I may have apologized. Nonetheless we piled into Trevor's sweet ride, picked up our boy Brett and had some awesome conversation on the way to the trail. Brett greeted me with his usual big smile and positive attitude. Josh, Trevor and Brett are my boys and it was a spirit lifter that they were so cool.
Inside I am dying though. For some reason I am starting to doubt myself on the way. Did I pack too much? Not enough? Hopefully I hadn't screwed up the timing that Trevor, Brett and Jordan had worked out. It wasn't lost on me that behind the scenes all week these two had worked with Kristen to figure out how they were going to get me back home by 3 at the latest. The planning of the CRA (Catawba Run Around) isn't easy. Being my first time I didn't want to be an anchor.
We made it to the parking area for Dragon's Tooth trail in time. Just ahead of Kristen. I put my after run pack in Kristen's car and climbed back into Trevor's car. After a few minutes Jordan rolled up and we moved on to where we started our adventure. A few minutes in the parking lot chatting and making introductions between me, Head Lamp Henry and Butch. They knew each other and the others, I was a new face to them. Good guys though. Looking forward to getting to know them better. The pre run poop decided to fire up but no worries, port-a-john at the trail head. Took care of business then we were off.
Oh the freedom of running. Being outside with my friends new and old. The chill in the air was just right. Conversation was quick and funny. The sun rise...amazing. Heading up the mountain I started to feel at ease a little. I hadn't ran all week because I have been fighting some tenderness in my left foot. Like I mentioned though, I had felt great since Thursday so I didn't have any reason to think I would have issues. In the beginning I didn't. No issues with my leg. But I couldn't catch my breath. It was like I was running up a mountain or something. And this really got into my head. I couldn't quit thinking the running gods had taken my fitness as payment for not worshiping this week on pavement. I was paying for the sin of sloth. No one else seemed to struggle. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN THIS AMAZING RUN FOR EVERYONE! I had to find something to quiet the demon in my mind. I looked left. The sun rise. I said aloud "this is beautiful" I calmed down and slowly settled into a pace that felt sustainable. Life was good.
The twinge of leg pain is subtle at first. At least for me. It kind of sneaks up on you and even as present as it is, it surprises you. I truly grieve when this happens. I go through all the same steps. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While I am a dramatic dude, this is serious. I do this. When it comes to my run I don't want injury or illness to enter into it. The purest form of peace I feel is during a run. It is one of the reasons I dream about runs. So injury and illness taints a perfect escape for me. Don't confuse injury with pain. Pain happens and is welcome. Injury is something different.
As the crew pulled away I was heading from denial to anger. I was mad at myself for being hurt. It started to dawn on me that this wasn't just sore muscles. Every step sucked. I faltered making basic moves to adjust my stride as I climbed up the mountain. It's hard to put into words the feeling I get in my gut when my body isn't working the way I have worked hard to let it. I felt robbed. This was supposed to be my debut in CRA. Even if it was only for part of it this was a big day for me. Worse yet the grinding fear of letting some of the best friends I have ever had down was starting to win.
Bargaining is next. I decided to start thinking about anything other than myself. This is tough for me usually and tougher still when in the grips of a class 5 pity party. Maybe it would help? It did, for a while. The bargain was I would focus on something, someone else until the pain went away. While my left foot and knee still ached, this helped me get over the pity part of the pity party. I thought about how amazing Trevor was doing with his Umstead training. How we are going to party in a trail running way. How proud I was of Josh for fighting through last month's CRA. Thankful for Jordan and Kristen's friendship. How they are always steady and honest. Brett and his talent. Talent that isn't married with any sort of arrogance. Brett is always quick to speak up with a compliment. That really goes for all my running friends. I thought about Ginger and how we ran 20 miles in some slickity slick looking for durrrr. Ginger and her spirit. Trevor and Ginger, such a blessing in my life. Deb. I thought about her at home. How she was kind in her sleepy haze this morning and gave me a hug before heading out. How she is strong, but forgets that about herself. All the blessings in my life too numerous for this post.
But guess what homies? It didn't work. I mean I did get past the pain but my leg and foot still hurt. About this time depression was setting in. Then Butch started a convo. He is a good dude. We talked about running Ultra's and it lifted my spirit. As we got nearer to the major ascent somehow I found myself with Jordan. Kristen was long gone (she fast, son) along with the rest of the crew. Jordan is super fast too. And talent for days. But he hung back with me. Why? To make sure I was OK. We talked about my leg/foot issues. Jordan offered me some ibuprofen and advice. I listened to his advice but didn't take the ibuprofen. Eventually Jordan and Butch pulled ahead. Depression decided to set in and gripped me pretty hard.
I started thinking about all the times I had failed. Small things like not getting Jim equally as great presents for his birthday as he had bought me. Big things like not calling on my siblings birthdays. Full on self depreciating hate. But the I kept moving. I just kept climbing. I had to get to the top because that is what I had set out to do. I had to get the top because I had to get back down. Plus Kristen was my ride. So I had to make it back to at least get home. I had to finish because I started this morning with hope. Hope had to win.
Getting to the top was a good feeling. I heard voices to my left and so I followed them. That is where I ran into Brett and his smile. He said "Good work man!" and gave me a high five. Then he told me I had to touch the top of the tooth. It was tradition. So we scrambled up to the top with Butch in tow. I couldn't believe how beautiful the valley looked from up there. The feeling of accomplishment washed over me. All of the doubt I had on the way up drained through my smile. Brett snapped a quick picture of me and we started our decent.
Trevor decided to stick with me on the decent. He had ran so strong all day, I felt kind of bad. But I was happy to have his council and company. This is were acceptance sunk in. My leg was busted. Pushing myself too hard was only going to do more damage. Trevor had told me to take it easy. Don't be so hard myself. Both tasks were harder than this run. I am going to do that though. Have to do that.
In the parking lot the rest of the crew was there. Refueling, talking. They also were in great moods. It was awesome to see their faces. To receive their congratulations. All were gracious and kind about my performance. Since I was late pulling into the pit stop we had to keep the reunion short. The other folks had 25 miles and 6,000 feet of gain to go. My day was over. Hugs, high fives and quick group picture and we were off. Kristen drove me to Trevor's and we talked about a lot. She is training for her third Ironman. Pretty amazing. She also offered advice on my leg.
 |
| The crew sans Kristen, she snapped the pic |
I headed home and Deb greeted me at the door. Rookie brought me his stuffed snake. All of this made me smile big and wide. Limping in, I placed all my sweaty gear in the laundry room sink. Deb was making banana bread. The smell was all through the house. I loved it. While I showered I thought about the day and how I had failed. It was a day that was supposed to be epic. It turned into a mess inside my mind. Grabbed some ibuprofen, ate a quick brunch then sit on the couch. Laid really. Then I napped.
Waking up to a bunch of messages on my phone is always nice. People asking me about my run. Comments on my Strava file and some photos that had already made it to Facebook. In the haze of post nap fuzz head, I started to think about the morning. I decided that defeat would be focusing on all the bad parts of the day. All the failures. Actively I started summoning all the good parts of the day into my mind. The sunrise I would have missed had I stayed home. How the air felt crisp and refreshing. Smiles on friends faces. Conversation. Banana bread. Finishing the run. Support from my friends like Brett telling me "you are stronger than you think". Rookie scruffs and love. A huge realization sunk in. The day that didn't end up the way I had dreamed was actually a good day. I just had to see it.
Failure is necessary. It is how we grow. Never failing means you are never trying. Challenging yourself. Success usually comes after countless failures. Because we learn or at least we should from failing. While it doesn't feel good it is a sign of a life lived right. Defeat, however, is letting failure rule you. Letting failure define you. Not the lessons failure teach us, but the failure itself. Defeat is not trying again. Which stack up we focus on is the difference between victory and defeat. That morning I learned to focus on the stack up of overcoming failures to win a victory. I hope I don't fail at that again.
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