"Number 97, Sean Raines! That is a good looking jacket!" Those are the words of Dr. David Horton as I crossed the finish line at the Holiday Lake "50k" Saturday (Feb. 12 2018). The jacket he was referring to was my greenish yellow Patagonia Houdini. This particular style of jacket was awarded to those who finished the Hellgate 100k a few years ago. It was also not the first time that day I had been confused with a finisher of the Hellgate 100k which is why I know said jacket was an award that year. And that is what I want to write about today. Bear with me, it might not make sense but I will try to draw the comparison to my performance at Holiday Lake and the confusion my clothes caused.
The day started as normally as any other ultra I have run. I woke up pretty easily. So easily that I am not sure I really slept the night before. It was a restless night. As restless as many of my nights have been lately. Regardless, I felt pretty good. I made some breakfast (Nutella and mini bagels). I showered because I like to shower to wake up. I listened to motivational music and watched motivational videos on YouTube. I stoked the fire in my soul to run this race. A race I wanted run well. After all of that, I loaded my Jeep up and met Danny in the lobby. Off we headed to the start line.
Once we got there I was able to get some great parking which can be fun at Holiday Lake. We headed into the 4-H dining area where we met up with all the VT Ultra kiddos (You all CRUSHED that race, so proud of you). We chatted and laughed. I was able to complete my pre-race rituals without waiting in line. Do the math. Saw Brett right before we headed to the start. The morning was shaping up to be just about perfect.
Then we were off! I felt pretty good as I moved up the field heading into the single track from the road. This was crucial because I really wanted to run this 30+ mile course in under 5 hours and head for a PR. In fact, I was aiming for a 4:45 finish. It wasn't going to be easy but it was what I wanted to see if I could do. And the pace I was keeping would have given me that finish.
I spent most of the first half alone. Mostly keying off the shoulder of a few people who seemed to have the same goal as me. It was a strategy that seemed to be working. If they slowed down, I passed them. If they sped up I stayed on pace. And it felt good. A little later I ended up shoulder to shoulder with Shelia (not sure if that is how you spell her name). And now I get the first "Nice jacket! That race is pretty awesome." She talked about doing the Beast series this year. Hellgate is the icing to the Beast series cake. Shelia was excited about Grindstone and completing the Beast series so I let her revel in the stoke before I broke the news. "Shelia, this was not awarded to me at Hellgate. I got this from Backcountry on sale." We laughed and talked for about another 5 miles. I wish her a ton of luck this year and I am sure I will run into her as she CRUSHES the Beast this year. As we neared the turnaround I had to pee so we said goodbye. I didn't see her again.
As I headed to the turnaround I slowed a little and was starting to get concerned that I went out too fast. I told myself to stay calm and that I usually rally after the halfway mark. Getting closer to the dam I was starting to get passed by a LARGE group of people. As one gentleman passed me I noticed he wore a very nice looking Patagonia Houdini. He noticed mine too and said, "That sure is great looking jacket, brother." Uh oh...confused yet another runner. I quickly confessed that this was in fact just a jacket purchased, not earned. Hellgate is a TOUGH race. Just pacing it is something to be proud of and I don't want anyone to think I am a poser. Or that I don't respect the folks who have completed such a grueling race. He was gracious as I tried to keep up with him and talk. It was nice to be back on pace and he was encouraging. I didn't get his name but I wont forget him.
Closer and closer to the dam I finally saw the front runner. This is where I start to realize that I was WAY off pace. It was far to far away from the turn around to start seeing the front pack turning towards me. A sinking feeling started to settle in and I worked to shake it off. It wasn't too much longer that I saw Mike Jones and Danny Matheison. Danny gave me a fist bump, a quick word of encouragement then went on to the work of staying in the top ten. Quick commercial: he is a fast dude and a great friend. So proud of him.
I don't know if I quite posses the words to explain what happened to me at the turnaround. Up until then I had felt pretty good. I didn't dilly dilly at the aid stations. I stayed on pace and ate when I needed to. It was shaping up to be a good day. My legs were a little tired but that is to be expected. I was by no means spent or wrecked. But between grabbing my handheld and stuffing my beanie into my drop bag I just lost every bit of momentum. It was like I stuffed my determination into that drop bag. I literally walked for about a quarter of a mile heading into lap 2. And this is where the wheels fall off.
Not long into the second lap Josh Clemens catches me with a large group. He looked pretty shocked and asked where did I come from. We talked for a little bit and he explained he had gotten worried because he kept expecting to see me as he headed into the turnaround. Silently, I had expected the same thing. I told Josh I had blew up and was in bad shape. In a way, this was a lie. The truth was I felt pretty good physically. My head was a complete shattered mess, however. Josh and the pack he was with quickly left me. Once again I found myself alone. I started counting the folks heading into the opposite direction and my will to push diminished as I noticed it was far too thin of a number. People who I had passed as they headed into the turnaround were actually starting to PASS ME. I actually considered dropping. As in, turning around and handing in my bib. I was being a baby.
Real quick: Josh, if you are reading this I want you to know that your friendship and encouragement helped keep me in this race. Your determination, talent and attitude are all something to admired. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
The day before I promised myself that I wouldn't listen to music until mile 20. That was the magic mile in which I had figured I would need some motivation. In my despair and whining I told myself that I had to make it to 20 and then I would go from there. Just short of mile 21, I put my earphones in. "Boys of Summer" by Don Henley was first up and started up about halfway through the song. I laughed because two things I hate to do is stop a run without rounding out the mileage or in the middle of song. The thought I had was I must have really wanted to stop my last run. This got my mind started on how often has that been going on. It was going on now. I wanted to stop. Is this something chronic?
The next song was "Better Man" by Judah & The Lion. It was the match to the powder keg that had been building all day. Really all month, maybe even longer. It is good I was alone because I began sobbing. Not a little tear here and there. I'm talking snot running, face scrunching weeping. The song isn't necessarily epic in its sentiment. But the juxtaposition of the lyrics, my performance and the current struggles off the trail was too much for my battered psyche. In that moment I was completely and utterly mentally shattered. It was just what I needed. As the song ended I began to speed up. I started passing everyone who had passed me, and then some. I felt like I was flying. (Note: Look at the data, I wasn't hahaha)
I finished which was more than I expected to be typing today. Especially considering where I was miles 16-20. I finished in just a tad over 6 hours. For reference, I ran Holiday lake in 5:04 the first year I ran it. When I crossed the finish I was ashamed but I was also at peace with my run. I wasn't ashamed that I had ran a 50k (very loosely defined, more like 33 miles) in 6 hours. I wasn't ashamed that missed all my goals that day. I was ashamed that I gave up on myself in a critical moment. Something I need to get better at not doing. I still don't know what happened. I may never. But I do know that the mass between your ears is just as important as your training and preparedness physically.
Being confused for a Hellgate finisher bothered me. I couldn't even get into the race if I applied. Not now, and I shouldn't. I'm not ready. Sometimes I feel like I am wearing the costume of an Ultra runner. This isn't because of the community, my friends or family. This is because of me. That isn't the only costume I feel like I'm wearing. Until I get over that I will continue to struggle when the race gets long. I am going to work on that. But I want anyone reading this who may also be struggling to know that we all struggle with who we are. Who we want to be. Finding ourselves is the greatest journey we can take. I want to take that journey. Even if it means that at mile 16 you want to quit, you can't. The finish line is always worth it.
Much love to you all.
The day started as normally as any other ultra I have run. I woke up pretty easily. So easily that I am not sure I really slept the night before. It was a restless night. As restless as many of my nights have been lately. Regardless, I felt pretty good. I made some breakfast (Nutella and mini bagels). I showered because I like to shower to wake up. I listened to motivational music and watched motivational videos on YouTube. I stoked the fire in my soul to run this race. A race I wanted run well. After all of that, I loaded my Jeep up and met Danny in the lobby. Off we headed to the start line.
Once we got there I was able to get some great parking which can be fun at Holiday Lake. We headed into the 4-H dining area where we met up with all the VT Ultra kiddos (You all CRUSHED that race, so proud of you). We chatted and laughed. I was able to complete my pre-race rituals without waiting in line. Do the math. Saw Brett right before we headed to the start. The morning was shaping up to be just about perfect.
Then we were off! I felt pretty good as I moved up the field heading into the single track from the road. This was crucial because I really wanted to run this 30+ mile course in under 5 hours and head for a PR. In fact, I was aiming for a 4:45 finish. It wasn't going to be easy but it was what I wanted to see if I could do. And the pace I was keeping would have given me that finish.
I spent most of the first half alone. Mostly keying off the shoulder of a few people who seemed to have the same goal as me. It was a strategy that seemed to be working. If they slowed down, I passed them. If they sped up I stayed on pace. And it felt good. A little later I ended up shoulder to shoulder with Shelia (not sure if that is how you spell her name). And now I get the first "Nice jacket! That race is pretty awesome." She talked about doing the Beast series this year. Hellgate is the icing to the Beast series cake. Shelia was excited about Grindstone and completing the Beast series so I let her revel in the stoke before I broke the news. "Shelia, this was not awarded to me at Hellgate. I got this from Backcountry on sale." We laughed and talked for about another 5 miles. I wish her a ton of luck this year and I am sure I will run into her as she CRUSHES the Beast this year. As we neared the turnaround I had to pee so we said goodbye. I didn't see her again.
As I headed to the turnaround I slowed a little and was starting to get concerned that I went out too fast. I told myself to stay calm and that I usually rally after the halfway mark. Getting closer to the dam I was starting to get passed by a LARGE group of people. As one gentleman passed me I noticed he wore a very nice looking Patagonia Houdini. He noticed mine too and said, "That sure is great looking jacket, brother." Uh oh...confused yet another runner. I quickly confessed that this was in fact just a jacket purchased, not earned. Hellgate is a TOUGH race. Just pacing it is something to be proud of and I don't want anyone to think I am a poser. Or that I don't respect the folks who have completed such a grueling race. He was gracious as I tried to keep up with him and talk. It was nice to be back on pace and he was encouraging. I didn't get his name but I wont forget him.
Closer and closer to the dam I finally saw the front runner. This is where I start to realize that I was WAY off pace. It was far to far away from the turn around to start seeing the front pack turning towards me. A sinking feeling started to settle in and I worked to shake it off. It wasn't too much longer that I saw Mike Jones and Danny Matheison. Danny gave me a fist bump, a quick word of encouragement then went on to the work of staying in the top ten. Quick commercial: he is a fast dude and a great friend. So proud of him.
I don't know if I quite posses the words to explain what happened to me at the turnaround. Up until then I had felt pretty good. I didn't dilly dilly at the aid stations. I stayed on pace and ate when I needed to. It was shaping up to be a good day. My legs were a little tired but that is to be expected. I was by no means spent or wrecked. But between grabbing my handheld and stuffing my beanie into my drop bag I just lost every bit of momentum. It was like I stuffed my determination into that drop bag. I literally walked for about a quarter of a mile heading into lap 2. And this is where the wheels fall off.
Not long into the second lap Josh Clemens catches me with a large group. He looked pretty shocked and asked where did I come from. We talked for a little bit and he explained he had gotten worried because he kept expecting to see me as he headed into the turnaround. Silently, I had expected the same thing. I told Josh I had blew up and was in bad shape. In a way, this was a lie. The truth was I felt pretty good physically. My head was a complete shattered mess, however. Josh and the pack he was with quickly left me. Once again I found myself alone. I started counting the folks heading into the opposite direction and my will to push diminished as I noticed it was far too thin of a number. People who I had passed as they headed into the turnaround were actually starting to PASS ME. I actually considered dropping. As in, turning around and handing in my bib. I was being a baby.
Real quick: Josh, if you are reading this I want you to know that your friendship and encouragement helped keep me in this race. Your determination, talent and attitude are all something to admired. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
The day before I promised myself that I wouldn't listen to music until mile 20. That was the magic mile in which I had figured I would need some motivation. In my despair and whining I told myself that I had to make it to 20 and then I would go from there. Just short of mile 21, I put my earphones in. "Boys of Summer" by Don Henley was first up and started up about halfway through the song. I laughed because two things I hate to do is stop a run without rounding out the mileage or in the middle of song. The thought I had was I must have really wanted to stop my last run. This got my mind started on how often has that been going on. It was going on now. I wanted to stop. Is this something chronic?
The next song was "Better Man" by Judah & The Lion. It was the match to the powder keg that had been building all day. Really all month, maybe even longer. It is good I was alone because I began sobbing. Not a little tear here and there. I'm talking snot running, face scrunching weeping. The song isn't necessarily epic in its sentiment. But the juxtaposition of the lyrics, my performance and the current struggles off the trail was too much for my battered psyche. In that moment I was completely and utterly mentally shattered. It was just what I needed. As the song ended I began to speed up. I started passing everyone who had passed me, and then some. I felt like I was flying. (Note: Look at the data, I wasn't hahaha)
I finished which was more than I expected to be typing today. Especially considering where I was miles 16-20. I finished in just a tad over 6 hours. For reference, I ran Holiday lake in 5:04 the first year I ran it. When I crossed the finish I was ashamed but I was also at peace with my run. I wasn't ashamed that I had ran a 50k (very loosely defined, more like 33 miles) in 6 hours. I wasn't ashamed that missed all my goals that day. I was ashamed that I gave up on myself in a critical moment. Something I need to get better at not doing. I still don't know what happened. I may never. But I do know that the mass between your ears is just as important as your training and preparedness physically.
Being confused for a Hellgate finisher bothered me. I couldn't even get into the race if I applied. Not now, and I shouldn't. I'm not ready. Sometimes I feel like I am wearing the costume of an Ultra runner. This isn't because of the community, my friends or family. This is because of me. That isn't the only costume I feel like I'm wearing. Until I get over that I will continue to struggle when the race gets long. I am going to work on that. But I want anyone reading this who may also be struggling to know that we all struggle with who we are. Who we want to be. Finding ourselves is the greatest journey we can take. I want to take that journey. Even if it means that at mile 16 you want to quit, you can't. The finish line is always worth it.
Much love to you all.
Comments
Post a Comment