2018 Hellgate 100k++

The February 2nd, 2018 me never thought I would be writing this race report.  That me was sitting alone in a Shenzhen hotel room wondering how the hell I was going to make it through another day.  That me was far away from home and wrestling with a million demons.  That me wasn't happy or really running much at all.  

The December 11th, 2018 me is still in shock that I can say I entered, was selected to run (by the skin of my teeth) and finished the Hellgate 100k.   The race is small in field by design and daunting in it's rugged toughness.   As you climb and descend the course changes effortlessly, slyly from technical to flowing and then back again.   Just as you become comfortable with your pace and find your flow you realize it is time to adjust.  Adjust, because now you are on a gravel road.  Adjust, because now you struggle to find even footing.  Adjust. 

My training was pretty good heading into Hellgate.  After getting in on the second chance decision by the board I was determined not to waste this opportunity.  I made my mind up that I would train, and train smart.  I would also soak up every minute from the time I received that email until I finished the race and received my hug from Dr. Horton.   Notice I said finished.  Finish Hellgate.  For me to finish, to enjoy this opportunity, I first needed to strike any thought that I wouldn't finish.  Grit starts here, I believe.  In thought and in training.    

Race day Trevor and Josh came by my house and we rode together to the race.  After loading up all the gear from Josh's Jeep we hit the road.  It was a quick hour to the race finish were we had our pre-race meal and meeting.  It was cool to see so many new faces but the comfort of seeing familiar faces was most welcome.  Jordan had advised, wisely, that we not need to be there super early.  We took his advice and I'm glad we did.  I wasn't half way through my dinner before the nerves started.  But conversation with Chris Miller, Jordan, Trevor, Josh and Kristen helped ease my mind back into the present. 

After the meeting we changed then loaded back up in my Jeep and headed to the start.  Ryan Nebel had joined us by this point.   He gave us some last minute pointers which were very welcome.  We joked around and took the necessary Tiger Picture at the Exxon on the way to the start.  Once we got there (after following Starner.  Note:  Always follow Starner) we tried to nap.  I'm not sure if I actually slept but I tried.  

At the start line I remember feeling calm.  Which is strange.  Especially considering I was late for check-in.  And I slammed a Red Bull.  After some singing of O Holy Night and Our National Anthem, we were off.  Past the gate and into the night.   I was running Hellgate. 

As we climbed up the fire road to AS 2 Petites Gap I was feeling pretty good.   There was still a crowd and I was actually running the climbs.  Slowly.  Very Slowly but running.  I passed a few people and a few people passed me.  I thought to myself, "Self, you are running pretty smart."  

After Petites Gap, as I was climbing to Headforemost I felt very uneasy.  Not just your average running an ultra uneasy.  This was a slammed a Red Bull at the start, ate several caffeinated gels and drank some caffeinated Tailwind uneasy.  Sorta heartattacky.    Which threw me into a pretty stellar panic attack.  Ok, so noted.  Don't do that during a race.  Got it.   Luckily I was able to compose myself.  My memory is really fuzzy of the whole race but I do know I saw Soon-Chul at the aid station after my panic attack.  It was good seeing him and calmed me down quite a bit.  We talked about my choice of attire, shorts.  Then he took off.  I didn't see him again because he is fast.  I dumped my soft flask full of jitter juice and replaced it with some high quality H2O.   

I knew it wouldn't be long before I saw my crew so that kept me going.  I knew when I did that I wanted to grab all the non-caffienated gels I had and some candy bars.  Other than that I just wanted to see them.  For some time I had been running by myself.  Which isn't a bad thing.  It was nice to have some time in my own head.  Just out there.  One of my goals for this race was to eat so I could run, run so I could smile and smile so I could keep it together.  And I was doing that.  One candy bar at a time.

Heading into Jenning's Creek I could hear Pawel and Brett screaming "Mao Mao" and "Party Mao Mao".   Those guys took such great care of me.  Josh Clemons also helped get me back together.  All three of them were clutch for my race.   Brett asked if I wanted my headlamp and I said I did.  Then it dawned on me.  That's it....it dawned on me.  THE SUN CAME UP!  Holy crap.  This race starts at 1 minute after Midnight y'all.   It also meant that I was doing pretty good on time.   I had a goal of a 16 hour Hellgate.  Hitting this aid station at 7ish meant I was doing OK.

Climbing out of the aid station I took my time.  Trevor wrote that he turned off his headlamp and enjoyed the sun coming up.  I did the same.  It was beautiful.  I was alone.  Again.  And I wasn't.  I had all my friends and family with me.  Bowie.  People I hadn't seen a while.  People I will never talk to again.  All with me.  And then I thought about Pawel, Brett and Josh chasing my ass all over a mountain all night. I cried.  I mean, hell, who has friends like this??  I am so lucky.  And I felt it all at once.  It was an amazing feeling.  Then again it could have been the Rice Krispie treat.  Kidding. 

After the sun had been up for a few minutes I was caught by a trail friend I made at the race named Amy.  She actually sorta mini paced me and got me running a few sections I didn't want to run.  We had some good conversation.  But I started to notice that my left ankle was feeling janky.  I also had to poop.  So I told Amy that I was going to walk a little bit and that I didn't want to hold her up.  We went back in forth for a few minutes saying the Ol' "you'll catch me soon, no I won't, whatever, have a good race!" banter before she ran off.  Then I found, what I thought was, a private area and pooped.  

However, my ankle was feeling worse and worse.  Or at least I was convinced it was.  All the way to Bearwallow Gap I was telling myself to not think about it.  Just keep moving.  But this section was like trying to walk on greased watermelons that were floating on top of a sea of ball bearings.   And leaves.   So, not pleasant.  On top of that I wasn't eating like I probably should have been.  Honest, can I be honest here?  I wasn't eating like I should have.  I was too busy throwing a mantrum.    It is no exaggeration that 20+ passed me on this section.   

Bearwallow Gap is mile 46.  It is also where you pick up a pacer and see your crew.   It was were I would change my shoes, my shirt and jacket.  Get a new set of gloves and a new cap.  Eat some food. Mile 45 however is where my race was made.  This is where I had my head in the tiger's mouth and had to decide if I was going to give up or fight back.   From mile 43-45 I was going to give up.  I had decided my ankle was so bad that I couldn't go on.  Plus I had thought that Pawel and Brett didn't sign up for a 18 hour finish and convinced myself it was the right thing to do for them.  Then at mile 45 I Dr. Philed myself.  No one was around and I looked myself square in the face (mentally) and told myself that I couldn't give up. I wouldn't.  

Pawel and Brett worked in unison to get me out of Bearwallow in a pretty good time.  As I changed my shoes they went to get me a quesadilla.  Trying to tie my shoes the day fell in on me.  Everything from this year rained down from my mind and distilled into sobbing tears that flowed down my face.  It was beyond cathartic.  I wasn't sad or happy or angry or ecstatic.  I was just there.  I hadn't been just there in so long.  I scarfed down the quesadilla and burger that Pawel attempted to split with me (sorry buddy).   Then we took off.

Pawel paced me like a freaking champ.  He kept me moving and eating.  We passed the time talking about all kinds of great stuff.  Books.  Life.  It was just like a regular day in the mountains.  Oh..my ankle?  About that.  Apparently 2 ibuprofen can make you feel like Superman.   I usually don't take ibuprofen during runs because of kidneys but I was peeing really well so I took the chance.   We made up some amazing time.  Even if I wasn't breaking land speed records I felt strong.  The forever section was actually fun.  I'm not sure I'm supposed to admit that, but it was.  

Brett was waiting for us at Day Creek and ready to relieve Pawel.  Having Brett bring me home was pretty special.  The ibuprofen had worn off and my stomach was a wreck.  Brett kept me moving.  He reminded me to stay present and think about my feet.  He encouraged me to run from that tree to that streamer.  He fist bumped me.  He sang the Lion King song.    I will always be thankful to those guys for what they did for me.  I can't possibly repay them.  But I'll try. 

As we descended the last few miles I didn't say much.  I was an emotional wreck.  I was finishing Hellgate.  Me.  All the doubts I have been having about myself and the doubts I've had for years weren't there.  It was just the dirt beneath my sore feet.  The cold air against my cheek.  I was bare.  A raw nerve.   I'm not sure if it is the climbs.  Or it could be the eerie night running in seemingly unending wilderness.  Maybe it's the iffy footing.  Maybe it's the solitude.  Whatever it is and it's probably all of that, Hellgate is truly a special race.  I hope you get to experience something like this in your life. 

Thanks to all my friends and family for the support, prayers and kind words.  Thank you to all the volunteers leading up to and at the race.  Thank you to Jordan Chang for encouraging me to reach for new heights.  Thank you to Trevor for being an amazing friend and training partner.  Thank you to Royce for reaching out to me and being awesome.  Thank you to Chris Miller for being a cherished friend and that pressed fruit bar during our Old Farmathon (I'll never forget, homie).  Congrats to Jordan, Trevor, Chris, Ben and Ryan on awesome performances!  Special thank you to Josh Clemons for tacking on special crew duty for me.  HUGE THANK YOU to  Brett Sherfy and Pawel Nazarewicz for pacing/crewing a broken Mao Mao.  You guys did an amazing job.   Thank you to Dr. David Horton for taking a chance on me and for tirelessly working on this course and this community.  Lastly, thank you Deborah.  It isn't easy being married to a guy who travels all the time then runs at weird hours for hours.  

I've struggled this year.  Probably more than any other year of my life.  This race wasn't just 66.6 miles for me.  It wasn't just the vertical gain.  This was something for me that I will never be able to explain.  It broke me and saved me all at the same time.  I think we need those things sometimes.  The things we don't dare to even whisper in a lonely hotel room.