This week has been, at its very best, a blur. A whirlwind of pain, sickness mixed with moments of inexpressible joy. I know what you're thinking; of course it has been, you ran 100 miles last Friday/Saturday dummy. And yes that has something to do with the highs and lows. Amid all of the "normal" things that come with a post 100 miles effort I have also fought a stomach flu and traveled to Tampa for meetings. So my mind is mush, my soul is Swiss cheese and I'm finding ways to smile through it all. With that in mind, be kind in your judgments on my rambling about what Bryce means to me and what I learned.
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| Sums up post run Sean - Photo Cred to Julia |
The idea of running Bryce came by way of Brett Sherfy. During one of our group runs he mentioned the race as a possible 100 for the crew. This conversation was in 2016 and I have written in the past about the inspiration that conversation has provided. Bryce has been on my mind ever since. Some days it was just a lingering thought, others it was in the front of my mind. I walked away from the idea a few times. Told myself it didn't make sense to run this race as my first 100 miler. Convinced myself that I was better suited for other races. There were injuries. Set backs both physically and mentally. But somehow on May 17th, 2019 I toed the line at Bryce. And now a few days removed, I can certainly say I will never be the same.
Getting to the actual race started in earnest shortly after I ran Hellgate in 2018. I was coming off of the big race blues which usually means you look for the next race to run. Hellgate was such a personal accomplishment and I wanted to see if I had more in the tank. That meant running a hundred. In my search I looked at two races, San Diego 100 and Bryce Canyon 100. There were a few others but those two really spoke to me. In the meantime Chris Larson had already signed up for Bryce. That made things so much easier. Soon I found myself signing up. And my friends found themselves making tough decisions.
Training went well. I ran steady and smart. Built up my mileage slowly over the months and raced a 50 miler (Bel Monte) and a 50k (Promiseland) to tune up. I learned some important lessons at both of the races.
My first 100 miler lesson came by way of training: No matter how many Ultras you run, you will always learn something. And usually the hard way.
In addition to that lesson, I learned to have patience with myself (at least on the trail). To be kind in moments where beating myself up would seem easier than breathing. It is something I have yet to apply to the rest of my life. My goal is to get there. I also didn't let myself go to places too sentimental. As you probably have surmised (see all my other race reports) that is much easier said than done. But learning to push that to another time paid dividends at Bryce.
The race is at a precarious time of year for most of my friends. Something I hadn't considered when I signed up. At one point, Trevor (who himself was making a major sacrifice to be there) was facing pacing nearly 100 miles between Chris Larson and me. Fortunately for me and the crew I was able to inspire Chris Miller to make a similar sacrifice and join us for the fun. I know how badly the rest of my friends wanted to be there and I will forever cherish the thoughts they sent with me. With the team in place, I ran headlong into prep.
Now we jump to the Saturday before I left for Bryce. Trevor came by to help me pack. And by help I mean he actually packed my bag. This was a huge relief as I was beginning to feel overwhelmed. So many details to think about and it felt as if time was slipping past me. Plus it was good to spend some time with Trevor, Ginger and Paul.
As Wednesday on race week approached my nerves were at an all time high. I had met Jordan and Josh for coffee. We talked about the race and the pacing models that Josh had created. Pawel met me for some last minute tips and advice. But, I was getting nervous. Super duper whack a doodle nervous. The good news is that I was sleeping OK and eating OK. Both things I wanted to do well before the race.
Wednesday morning Deb and Bowie loaded up in the Jeep and drove me to the airport. I couldn't really sit still. The Spicy water wasn't going down so well. My biscuit tasted funny. Anxiety is a very strange beast. Still the moments watching the Blue Ridge speed by weren't lost on me. In the early dawn sun I found a sense of peace. Even though I couldn't be in those mountains I knew the training I had run in those hills would sustain me. Mentally and physically.
Shortly after landing in Vegas I met up with Julia and Chris L. We got our rental and headed into St. George. Chris M and I talked a lot on the phone and he was kind enough to give me updates on his arrival. Making our way to Hatch was super easy going and stress free. I found myself more than once feeling the fire in my belly for this race. In a good way.
Thursday night we went to the race briefing/packet pick up fairly early after meeting up with Chris M. It was raining and cold. The kind of cold you can only feel at 7k above sea level in an arid environment. Chris M was fighting a sinus infection so we all agreed it was best to skip the course briefing and head to the hotel. Trevor had checked in to his flight and confirmed his success in making it to his flight to Vegas. I then settled in to try and sleep.
At the start...I don't know how to describe it. There is a line from the movie Shawshank Redemption that kind of sums up my feelings :
"I find I'm so excited that I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at a start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope."
While I wouldn't be seeing the Pacific the sentiment about what my dreams of a 100 mile finish still withstands.
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| Chris and me, not nervous at all. |
The race was hard. I didn't feel good until about mile 26. As I headed in to the Red Canyon Aid Station I had a feeling I would be seeing my crew for the first time. What a spirit lifter! I passed Chris L coming back into the aid station after completing the loop. He gave me a little warning that I needed to be prepared for the exposed climbs. We both share a dislike for heights. Or more appropriate, falling to a painful death/coma.
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| "Hey buddy! You smell horrible!" - Trevor |
Red Canyon Loop was beautiful! This is where I took my first and only picture.
It was cold and snowing heading into the last ~12 miles of the first loop. This was such a blessing and sight that will be burned into my minds eye for years to come. I could lie and say I stayed mentally tough but I did get emotional here. At this point I was moving well and the race seemed to be going well. I, wrongly, surmised I could finish in 25-26 hours at this pace. But Sean, how could have been so foolish? Well, child I had yet to transverse the mountain 7,000 times.
The turnaround was tough because of the last climb and the thought of facing it again. Also all the Chair at the start/turnaround/finish. Trevor and Chris M speedily put me back together. I changed my socks and upper body layer. I found out Chris L had dropped because of an injury. This bummed me out because I really wanted a finish for him. But I was glad he made the right decision to run another day. Before too long Chris M and I set out to start my second loop. I was doing this thing.
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| Them toes, tho |
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| So much Chair, so little time - Photo Cred to Trevor for both of these |
Second Lesson: You can't think about the past or the future, only the moment.
Chris M did his best to get me moving. My stomach had really started to feel funky somewhere between the 52 mile turnaround and the first aid station. We walked a lot. I mean A LOT. Because of this, I got really cold. Especially after the sun went down. The miles headed into East Fork to pick up Trevor were and will forever remain a blur. The cold had settled into my bones. I was yawning uncontrollably. Sleep running. Seeing the tent for the aid station was a very welcome site. Once I entered the tent, everyone's face said what I was fearing. I looked bad.
There was a concerted effort to get me warm and fed. Tights came on. Soup was handed to me. I started getting warmer but I could tell by the faces on the folks with me it wasn't great. Then Trevor entered. Like a conquering king he looked me dead in the eyes and said, "It's not like we are climbing Everest. Come on, let's go.". And like that we went back out. Trevor got me running and eating again. All which literally was saving my race. Before I knew it the sun was up. Another day.
Trevor had texted ahead and asked Chris M to take the next leg. Red Canyon, the second time was a slog. I felt bad for Chris Miller. He had the joy of pacing sad Sean not once but twice. And he was sick. But it was so beautiful. Exposed and warm. And Chris is great at conversation. My hope is that some day I can give him a good experience pacing me. He is such a great friend.
Picked up Trevor to finish the last 12. I don't remember much. Honestly, its a fog. But I remember thinking I was about to accomplish something I never thought I would even dream about. Trevor kept me motivated and grounded. Forced me to look into his eyes and as he said multiple time "You got this". He even force fed me some gels. No way, there is no way I could have finished without him or Chris M.
At the finish I got my buckle and that was it. I was a 100 mile runner.
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| Where that buckle at? |
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| Is it OK to die now? |
I know that is abrupt but honestly the end of this experience is lost to my subconscious. I saw beautiful things and said crazy things. I leaned on my poles a lot. I peed a lot and was fascinated by its lack of color. Went to places in my mind I haven't visited in a while. Places like pride and joy. I visited friends long lost by the pacing of my life. And yet I was present in the thing that was right in front of me. I believed in myself as much as the people around me. And that is something more than I hoped for when this all started.
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| Destroyed Sean - I've had "I Only Think Of You" by Babyface playing on loop in my head for 16 hours" |
Last Lesson: Next time I will be more fit and have a better nutrition plan. I will also change my socks far more often.
I want to thank my family and friends who asked about this race and it's training. Your interest in my hobby is welcome and it encourages me to keep moving. Thank you to Brett, Pawel, Josh Starner, Josh Clemons, Ginger, Kristen, Danny, Royce, Josh Hamilton, Robbie Poff and the whole crew for being there in training and life. For answering wacky questions and talking me off ledges. You are all an inspiration in SO MANY WAYS. Please don't be offended if you are not named specifically in this list. I am blessed with some many wonderful people but my brain is still on the fritz. Know I carry you in my heart.
Big thanks goes to Juila for being such a great crew chief for both Chris and I. It was great getting to spend some time with you.
A special thank you to Jordan. Buddy, you have believed in me so many times when I have given up on myself. Seen me through some rough patches and always with the unyielding devotion to me being the best Sean I can be. Thank you, friend.
To Trevor and Chris Miller...what can I say. You both followed a foul smelling broken man around the desert and made him better for it. You both found the grit in me I didn't know I had and encouraged me to go there. Stayed patient and calm when I wasn't. You helped me be stronger today. I can never repay you but I sure as hell will try. From training to always being there for me on and off the trail, always. I love you both. A very wise person once said: "I might not if I don't"
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| Chris Miller, Mao Mao, Julia Dale Larson, Trevor Stewart and Chris Larson |
Lastly to Deb, thank you. The early mornings. The travel. My long moments of quiet staring. You have dealt with more than any mountain can throw at me. You deserve more than a buckle. Hopefully a grateful husband is enough. I love you.
I have wondered for years what running 100 miles would be like. Would I fundamentally change? Change in ways at my core. Would I find meaning in life? Meaning that I didn't even realize I was missing. Then I ran 100 miles. And I did learn something, running 100 miles is hard.
So 100 miles later I am a stronger Sean, a more settled version of myself. It wont last, I know that. This wasn't a vision quest. But when you do hard things you do change. Even for a moment. And I'll take it.
https://www.strava.com/activities/2378330504 <------ If you're into data.
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