"I saw her." Fenny wasn't known for flat subtlety. Over the years the man had honed his skill for turning mundane interactions into carnival level productions . But as he said those words with the dark tone of unfettered fear, I couldn't help but smirk. And this was in spite of the fact that I knew exactly who he was talking about.
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Not long after our time in the clink for our minor vegetation infraction, Fenny and I decided that we still needed to see the Smokys. By time in the clink I am talking the weekend. We paid our fine and we were on our way. Record besmirched but on our way. Prison can do strange things to a person. Make you really appreciate the finer things. For me, it made me really want a burger from any one of the finer establishments that dot the highways across our great nation. Thee burger of choice was marketed by employing the red headed daughter of it's founder. Not sure this establishment wants to be named in my story. So do the dang math.
Fenny was hungry too. So, off we went in search of this establishment. Once we arrived in the parking lot we were struck by the thought that we really didn't have any cash. Seeing as how we had to pay a small car payment to the state of Tennessee for possession of the devil's lettuce. But nonetheless, we needed to eat. So I proposed we step inside and see if we couldn't persuade the staff to have mercy on us. I surmised we would need to hone this skill if we planned on going into Dollywood since entry required the purchase of a ticket. Begging for burgers would be good practice.
One of the few things I had learned by this time in my life was that Fenny wasn't very persuasive. You would think with that jawline he could get most people to do what he wanted. But he didn't have it in him, at this point, to really turn on the charisma. You know, seal the deal. He had all the raw materials one would need to be a world class con man but the dude had too much Superman in him to ever do the wrong thing. Yet he was hungry. And so here we were.
A quick survey of the dining room and staff revealed a plan, at least to me, on who we could count on for our free burger. I turned my back to face Fenny so the staff couldn't see or hear me and whispered "Let me do the talking and follow my lead." Fenny tried to obstain by starting to say "Look...I don't feel good about this because, I mean we just got out of..." I interrupted him by saying "We aren't calling your parents and I am not eating ketchup for the next few days. It is either we try this or we stand on the corner over there and see how far our looks can take us." Fenny acquiesced.
I keyed in on the weakest in the heard. This guy looked like a strong wind would scare him enough that he would just go ahead and fall over. Save the wind the actual trouble of knocking him down. He was shaking and I hadn't even really gotten that close. This was an older establishment that still had railings installed to control the overwhelming traffic caused by hungry masses. It was kind of funny to me to walk this little maze to my destination. To be witty and amazing I pretended to get lost and pantomimed looking at a map. Ol Wind Jammer was too busy pissing his pants at the thought of having to hear my order that he didn't even smirk. This was going to come up in my planned conversation with him.
Just as I was arriving to the end of the maze something startling happened. The Alpha arrived. It spooked me so much that I stopped short which meant that Fenny crashed into the back of me. Fenny was so distraught he couldn't look up from his belly button staring contest. It almost knocked me over, but not quite. Wind Boy gladly stepped back and didn't even make eye contact as The Alpha said in a snarky, calm voice "Go ahead and take your break early, Cory. I'll handle the front." She was staring into my soul as she said those words.
With Cory somewhere in the back room practicing his stance for sudden wind storms, my focus had switched to my new target. She was short, around 5'2" and slim. Purple hair that was poorly dyed due to a rushed job or cheap dye or both. Her complexion was immaculate and her face looked young. Her eyes, however looked like they had seen some shit. She had a tongue piercing that clinked against her teeth when she talked. She also was clinking it against her teeth as I walked up to the counter while giving me this "I'll eat your soul if you fuck with me" smile.
I decided to dive head first into the conversation because, honestly, I wasn't sure Fenny was going to be able to hold his bladder much longer. Fenny was dancing back and forth like he stepped on a complete set of the Deathstar Lego set. I could feel the tension in my neck, which wasn't good. However, before I started, I turned back to Fenny and said "Honey, go get us a table and 10 of those ketchup cups full of the good stuff. I'll be there in a sec." Fenny's eyes grew wide and he just turned around, found his way out of the maze (which was totally unnecessary and made me chuckle) and did as I said. I could tell he was relieved.
When I turned back around I noticed Colonel Clinker of the Purple Brigade was staring at me with her arms crossed looking slightly less than amused. I began with "He hasn't eaten for a while, whew! That man, I swear, when he is hungry. mmm emm." I wish I had the words to explain the disgust she conveyed with the massive eye roll I got in response. She looked around to see if Cory or anyone else was around before she began.
"I am not easily persuaded. Nor am I someone you really want to fuck with. You and your...whatever aren't fooling me." Her tone was pretty even, calm but frustration rang through as she emphasized the words you and whatever. I began to speak and she interrupted me by holding up her finger. Her pointer finger. The other finger would have worked too. I stopped cold as she just stared at me clicking her piercing against her teeth. She took a deep breath and then rolled her eyes again. "You both were coming out of the courthouse this morning as I drove into work. Looking at you, I'm pretty sure it was a weed ticket. Pulling up with out of state tags means you're traveling. Begging for...this...this...SHIT, means you're out of money." I just kinda stood there numb but intrigued. All I could muster was "Purple headed Columbo."
As far as responses go it wasn't my best effort but, it did conjure up a smirk from Ms. Deadpan. She responded with an aloof, mumbled tone, "You don't need a free burger. You need money. I can fix that and I'm pretty sure you are out of options." Being 18, I felt like we were. Plus I was intrigued to say the least. A few seconds passed and the back room door opened up and her manager came out. "Please God tell me you have taken his order." She turned slightly to him and said "I give the orders around here, Paul." With that, she was fired. Or quit. Maybe both.
On her way out told me to meet her at the "Sippy Freeze" at 4. There was no question in her tone we would be there. And there was no question in my mind we would either.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Not long after our time in the clink for our minor vegetation infraction, Fenny and I decided that we still needed to see the Smokys. By time in the clink I am talking the weekend. We paid our fine and we were on our way. Record besmirched but on our way. Prison can do strange things to a person. Make you really appreciate the finer things. For me, it made me really want a burger from any one of the finer establishments that dot the highways across our great nation. Thee burger of choice was marketed by employing the red headed daughter of it's founder. Not sure this establishment wants to be named in my story. So do the dang math.
Fenny was hungry too. So, off we went in search of this establishment. Once we arrived in the parking lot we were struck by the thought that we really didn't have any cash. Seeing as how we had to pay a small car payment to the state of Tennessee for possession of the devil's lettuce. But nonetheless, we needed to eat. So I proposed we step inside and see if we couldn't persuade the staff to have mercy on us. I surmised we would need to hone this skill if we planned on going into Dollywood since entry required the purchase of a ticket. Begging for burgers would be good practice.
One of the few things I had learned by this time in my life was that Fenny wasn't very persuasive. You would think with that jawline he could get most people to do what he wanted. But he didn't have it in him, at this point, to really turn on the charisma. You know, seal the deal. He had all the raw materials one would need to be a world class con man but the dude had too much Superman in him to ever do the wrong thing. Yet he was hungry. And so here we were.
A quick survey of the dining room and staff revealed a plan, at least to me, on who we could count on for our free burger. I turned my back to face Fenny so the staff couldn't see or hear me and whispered "Let me do the talking and follow my lead." Fenny tried to obstain by starting to say "Look...I don't feel good about this because, I mean we just got out of..." I interrupted him by saying "We aren't calling your parents and I am not eating ketchup for the next few days. It is either we try this or we stand on the corner over there and see how far our looks can take us." Fenny acquiesced.
I keyed in on the weakest in the heard. This guy looked like a strong wind would scare him enough that he would just go ahead and fall over. Save the wind the actual trouble of knocking him down. He was shaking and I hadn't even really gotten that close. This was an older establishment that still had railings installed to control the overwhelming traffic caused by hungry masses. It was kind of funny to me to walk this little maze to my destination. To be witty and amazing I pretended to get lost and pantomimed looking at a map. Ol Wind Jammer was too busy pissing his pants at the thought of having to hear my order that he didn't even smirk. This was going to come up in my planned conversation with him.
Just as I was arriving to the end of the maze something startling happened. The Alpha arrived. It spooked me so much that I stopped short which meant that Fenny crashed into the back of me. Fenny was so distraught he couldn't look up from his belly button staring contest. It almost knocked me over, but not quite. Wind Boy gladly stepped back and didn't even make eye contact as The Alpha said in a snarky, calm voice "Go ahead and take your break early, Cory. I'll handle the front." She was staring into my soul as she said those words.
With Cory somewhere in the back room practicing his stance for sudden wind storms, my focus had switched to my new target. She was short, around 5'2" and slim. Purple hair that was poorly dyed due to a rushed job or cheap dye or both. Her complexion was immaculate and her face looked young. Her eyes, however looked like they had seen some shit. She had a tongue piercing that clinked against her teeth when she talked. She also was clinking it against her teeth as I walked up to the counter while giving me this "I'll eat your soul if you fuck with me" smile.
I decided to dive head first into the conversation because, honestly, I wasn't sure Fenny was going to be able to hold his bladder much longer. Fenny was dancing back and forth like he stepped on a complete set of the Deathstar Lego set. I could feel the tension in my neck, which wasn't good. However, before I started, I turned back to Fenny and said "Honey, go get us a table and 10 of those ketchup cups full of the good stuff. I'll be there in a sec." Fenny's eyes grew wide and he just turned around, found his way out of the maze (which was totally unnecessary and made me chuckle) and did as I said. I could tell he was relieved.
When I turned back around I noticed Colonel Clinker of the Purple Brigade was staring at me with her arms crossed looking slightly less than amused. I began with "He hasn't eaten for a while, whew! That man, I swear, when he is hungry. mmm emm." I wish I had the words to explain the disgust she conveyed with the massive eye roll I got in response. She looked around to see if Cory or anyone else was around before she began.
"I am not easily persuaded. Nor am I someone you really want to fuck with. You and your...whatever aren't fooling me." Her tone was pretty even, calm but frustration rang through as she emphasized the words you and whatever. I began to speak and she interrupted me by holding up her finger. Her pointer finger. The other finger would have worked too. I stopped cold as she just stared at me clicking her piercing against her teeth. She took a deep breath and then rolled her eyes again. "You both were coming out of the courthouse this morning as I drove into work. Looking at you, I'm pretty sure it was a weed ticket. Pulling up with out of state tags means you're traveling. Begging for...this...this...SHIT, means you're out of money." I just kinda stood there numb but intrigued. All I could muster was "Purple headed Columbo."
As far as responses go it wasn't my best effort but, it did conjure up a smirk from Ms. Deadpan. She responded with an aloof, mumbled tone, "You don't need a free burger. You need money. I can fix that and I'm pretty sure you are out of options." Being 18, I felt like we were. Plus I was intrigued to say the least. A few seconds passed and the back room door opened up and her manager came out. "Please God tell me you have taken his order." She turned slightly to him and said "I give the orders around here, Paul." With that, she was fired. Or quit. Maybe both.
On her way out told me to meet her at the "Sippy Freeze" at 4. There was no question in her tone we would be there. And there was no question in my mind we would either.
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